Dear Bret Michaels,
I don't love you anymore. In fact, you might be my fourth favorite member of Poison. I know it's hard to hear, but I'm sure that your legion of brand new, couldn't-care-less-about-Poison, reality-TV-loving fans will help cushion the blow.
The problem, Bret, is that you are everywhere. I guess that is more my problem than it is yours, unless you are seriously concerned about how my love for you has waned. (If it really does bother you, please let me know; I would be more than happy to discuss the situation with you.)
I've been a Poison fan since 1999. I probably would have liked you in the 80s, but as I was born in 1984, you were a little before my time. You made your big comeback in '99, I caught you on VH1's Behind the Music and after that I was hooked. I bought all of Poison's CDs… except for Native Tongue, of course, because Richie Kotzen? Fuck him.
When Crack a Smile was finally released I was overjoyed. Blues Saraceno seemed like a good guy—no C.C., but who is? The point was that I loved Poison and was thrilled to have more Poison to listen to even if it wasn't C.C. Devillified.
And yes, I bought your solo stuff. Soundtrack to A Letter From Death Row? Check. Show Me Your Hits, that crappy cover CD? Check. Songs of Life? Check check check. I went to great lengths to get a copy of A Letter From Death Row and I am not even going to lie, Bret, it is one of my most favorite movies ever.
My bedroom walls were covered in Poison posters, including one that was just you, Bret Michaels. I got it at a flea market. You had no shirt on. I am scouring the internet for a new copy of that, actually. You were incredibly hot in the 80s, I am just saying.
You might be wondering how a girl who has loved Poison and loved you for so long can possibly forsake you now. It's a valid question, but honestly? I just can't take you seriously any more.
First of all, Rock of Love. I suppose that I can't really comment, given that I have never seen it, but I have a good reason for not watching it and that reason is Kristi Gibson. I've never really understood your breakup; in addition to being your kids' mom, she is pretty much the hottest woman that I have ever seen in my whole life. Like I said, I haven't seen Rock of Love, but I would bet cash money that not a single woman who competed for your affection could hold a candle to Kristi.
Granted, looks aren't everything, but you have to agree on some level, because all of your Rock of Love "relationships" went down the drain and you ended up popping the question to Kristi anyway. I will get to that in a minute.
Now, in the midst of all this fame and fortune, you had a couple of near-death experiences. Each served only to increase your fame, but that was okay. My only concern was for your health, because I could not (and, for the record, cannot) imagine what my life would be like without you. I can't even imagine a world without Bret Michaels, it would be a sad and gray place.
As much as I love you, I feel like things are going downhill for you and me. Celebrity Apprentice? Really? Okay, that actually has nothing to do with anything, I just felt like I should mention it. I didn't watch that either, by the way.
It just seems like you've stopped being the front man of Poison and have started being famous just for being famous. You went from rockstar to socialite in practically no time at all. We'd be okay in spite of that, however, if you weren't putting Poison on the backburner. And for what? A solo career?
News to you, Bret Michaels, but your solo music isn't very good. Your solo music actually kinda seems like recycled Poison music. "Riding Against the Wind"? Come on. I mean, there are literally lyrics from Poison songs inserted into your solo music and vice versa, in Hollyweird and Power to the People and Crack a Smile, neither of which were very good. (Did I still love Power to the People and Hollyweird and Crack a Smile anyway? Yes I did, not the point.)
Theoretically you are touring with Poison this summer. I am looking forward to it, also theoretically. I am not getting my hopes up. I am sad that you are refusing to work with Rikki, C.C. and Bobby on a new Poison album. Given the fact that Poison hasn't made a great album since Flesh and Blood (1990!), I wouldn't say that my life is any emptier for lack of new Poison music. (That said, you have made great albums before and you can do it again, so my life is the emptier for lack of awesome new Poison albums.)
Anyway, that's not the point.
I miss you, Bret Michaels. I want you to love you again, and I want to not be annoyed every time I see your name. I want you to not be the primadonna I think you've become, and I want you go go back to your roots. And FYI, you're not country—you're rock and roll. I have pictures to prove it.
Share the wealth, Bret. Throw your brothers in rock and roll a fucking bone—with your current fame, you can make Poison bigger and badder than ever. You can keep your old fans happy, and maybe get some new ones in the bargain. Don't be selfish. Be awesome.
Maybe I lied when I said I didn't love you anymore. Maybe my feelings are just hurt. But I love you by virtue of what you were and should be to Poison, I don't love you for you. Maybe I did, but not anymore.
Missing you,
Ashley
